Chess Player Accused Of Cheating With Anal-Beads Clears His Name

Chess grandmaster Hans Niemann has officially been cleared of the bizarre allegations that he used vibrating anal beads to cheat and win the Sinquefield Cup. And yes, you read that correctly.

Even if you’re not into sports, there is almost certainly one story that sparked your interest.

It is the story of a chess player who was accused of cheating by using vibrating anal beads during a match.


Thankfully, there has been a development in the case, which means we can continue to talk about it. Phew!

Hans Niemann, the accused, has been cleared of the allegation that he was cheating at all, let alone with vibrating anal beads, and he is now suing his accuser, Magnus Carlsen, US$100 million for defamation.

That's probably fair enough.

Last September, Niemann, a self-taught prodigy from San Francisco, defeated the Norwegian world champion Carlsen, ending his 53-match winning streak.

The loss came as such a surprise to Carlsen, and the only way he could make sense of it was if Niemann was cheating.

Cheating would be tricky in chess, but Carlsen is a creative nerd, and decided the way Niemann was cheating was by having vibrating anal beads inside his rectum and having more experienced chess players looking on with a remote and sending messages to Niemann through his butt.

Honestly, if you’ve gone to those extreme lengths to win a game of chess, you deserve the trophy.

Due to the salaciousness and hilarity of the accusation, Niemann found himself all over the news internationally for being the bloke who shoves vibrating anal beads up his bum to win a game of chess.

It goes without saying, he wasn’t stoked about this.

After months and months of fighting the allegations, the courts declared that there was no evidence to support the accusation.

To be clear, there was no proof that he had vibrating anal beads in his bottom that were being controlled by other people and sending him messages in order for him to win a game of chess.

What a relief, yet also, a bit of a shame because it would have been not only hilarious, but a bit admirable.

So the chess community has been officially shaken, and that is without the power of vibrating anal beads, and more the power of a bruised ego and a brilliant imagination.

Both players are willing to play each other in the future, and we all wait with baited breath at what accusation comes from that match.