The Survivor Premiere Was Fire (And Fire Is Life)

12 Champions. 12 Contenders. 24 thoughts we had watching Australian Survivor strut its buff and prove why it’s (still) the greatest game on Earth.

1. Love a little recap. Beauty Queen Monika’s season three bellyflop will echo in eternity.

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2. “50 days, 24 people, one Sole Survivor…” Goosebumps. Preach, JLP, you Man Mountain among hosts.

3. Mad cinematography props. This looks like a cross between Apocalypto and Apocalypse Now. Either way, there’s an apocalypse involved.

4. Contender? John’s Mo-llet is 100% Champion.

5. Roll out the red carpet, baby… ‘The King of The Jungle’ is back. ‘The Shark Killer’, ‘The Boss’, ‘The Guy That’s Hiding In The Bush’, ‘The People’s Champ’… Did Luke forget any self-proclaimed titles?

6. Welcome to ‘Australian Survivor: Young Diverse vs Old Diverse’.

7. Time to face off! Ouch, two-time Australian Memory Champion Anastasia won’t forget that knee to the face in a while.

8. Did Survivor just break ET? “He’s looking really gassed now, head down, wondering: ‘What the hell am I doing here?’”, remarks JLP, the king of positive reinforcement.

9. Sorry Pia, you failed the crying on cue audition, thanks for coming in.

10. “ET is gonna be like the leader of the old people, like, the guy who gives out the wrinkle cream.” Never change, Luke, never change.

11. Andy is the new Henry ‘The Yoga Man’, with his puzzling opening gambit: ‘I’ll lull them into a false sense of security by convincing them I’m… a travelling golf blogger’? The ones we’ve met have been THE WORST.

12. Casey, if one must choose between building a fire and constructing a structurally ill-advised ‘Bamboo Mahal’, always let food and heat be your guide.

13. Steven Bradbury’s making surprisingly strong early moves. Probably figures the odds of 23 other castaways just falling over aren’t great.

14. Athletes unite! Wait, ‘The Sports Team’, really Ross? Big Wave Surfer. Bad Name Giver.

15. Let the camp cooking war commence. You know what they say, too many cooks spoil the… pumpkin.

16. Crrreeeak, timbuuuuur! That, Casey, is the sound of inevitability.

17. We concur with John’s assessment, four-bean mix does indeed rock. What’s that, Baden’s stomach, you disagree?

18. Challenge time! Complete with Immunity Idol ripped straight from the set of Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom. Bring. It. On.

19. What a comeback by the Contenders. Watch out, Champs – Andy’s on throwing duties. We’ve seen from his backstory that he’s a veritable Terminator when it comes to taking out inanimate objects.

20. Nova, ever heard the old saying ‘Six is a crowd’? Playing statues doesn’t make you any less visible either.

21. Tribal Council. Survivor lives flashing before eyes. The glares, the strategy, the thinly-veiled references to physical weakness in Pia’s general direction – legendary.

22. Keep looking at the fire, Pia, you’re TOAST.

23. No, wait… YES! Anastasia’s been snubbed - Pia’s the TOAST…ER! Hang on, that’s a terrible nickname.

24. That was AWESOME. And…exhale.

Australian Survivor continues 7.30 tonight on 10 and 10 play