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Piss Poor! Pint Police Protecting Punters Perfectly

If you can think of another word starting with ‘P’ I’d like to hear it.

As we know, there are many different types of police. The Fashion Police investigate people who were Crocs to the formal occasions, The Police made good music (and sometimes collaborated with Sting), and the Australian Federal Police investigate federal crimes. But now we can add the Pint Police to this list; an important arm of Australia’s law enforcement that deserves its own TV series to showcase the important work it does in keeping us all safe and hydrated.

Well, technically they’re a government department with the official title of National Measurement Institute (yes, there is a National Measurement Institute) that is about to begin a week-long audit of pubs around the country to make sure that drinkers are not being shortchanged.

Of course, the NMI is a crucial institute that ensures everything is measured correctly. Are you selling a 30-cm ruler to school kids? Well, it better be NMI certified. Are you selling a six-inch Subway sandwich? Well, it better be NMI certified. Are you selling a 15-gallon box of goon to a bunch of Schoolies on the Gold Coast? Well, it better be NMI certified. (To be clear, all of these examples were completely made up, but they might well be things that the NMI does do. Or not. We only just found out the NMI existed five minutes ago.)

But something that the NMI apparently does do, is make sure that when people order a pint at the pub that they receive an actual pint. No more, no less.

CEO of the Hotels Association, Paddy O’Sullivan, told 3AW: “Customers vote with their feet and now is not the time to short-change the customer. As you recover out of COVID, customers are king… If a customer feels they’re not getting their full value for money, pub customers are pretty keen in letting the publican know.”

The last time an audit like this was carried out, it was found that 30% of the venues investigated were measuring drinks incorrectly. People are talking about the rising cost of petrol, but what this country really needs right now is a pint excise and/or a Royal Commission into Pint Pouring.

Businesses found to be pouring drinks incorrectly could be fined up to $222,000, which is approximately how much it costs to fill up an SUV these days.