Questions such as: ‘What is the meaning of life?’ and ‘What is reality?’ and ‘What should I have for lunch today?’ We only truly know the answer to one of these questions, and that answer is pumpkin soup.
But, now the Internet has gotten into heated debate about what is, perhaps, the most important question we might face together as the human race: Who should greet the aliens when they arrive?
It’s a deeply crucial question because it’s important that we make a good first impression if/when they do turn up. If we make a bad first impression they might just wipe all of us out with their superior alien technology. But if we make a good first impression they might benevolently let us live in their slave colonies. The point is, we have to choose carefully.
Fortunately, there are lots of opinions floating around the Internet and anyone who has been on Twitter before will know that everyone’s opinion is valid and should be considered thoughtfully and seriously because it is a place for robust discussion where reasonable minds converge to move humanity forward.
Charlotte Clymer kicked off the debate with this innocuous tweet: "Okay, the aliens ask for only one representative to meet with them. Who do you want representing all of us and why?" And it received quite a few responses.
A popular response so far has been Barack Obama, but it’s not a great option because it would set the bar pretty high for humanity. You don’t want the aliens to meet Obama and assume we’re all as eloquent and sophisticated as he is because that’s going to set them up for huge disappointment for when they meet Donald Trump.
Of course, Trump has been bandied around as an option for greeting the aliens too, but he’s more likely to attempt to build a wall around the planet to keep the aliens out and then demand that they pay for that wall, which is going to be an awkward start to our intergalactic relationships.
Other names bandied around have been people with high levels of charm and charisma such as Dolly Parton and Tom Hanks, both of whom would be great representatives of the human race. But, once again, they are simply too impressive to adequately reflect us as a species.
Really, we need someone perfectly average to greet the aliens so that they know what they’re getting themselves into. We should just head out to the suburbs, randomly select some middle-aged accountant and get them to make the introduction for us.
Hopefully, that way the aliens will be so taken aback by our averageness that they won’t feel threatened enough to exterminate our entire species and then we can while away our days toiling in their mines.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go warm up some pumpkin soup.