Sometimes the most romantic gesture is to simply thrust a fist full of plastic flowers through your lover’s fence
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Valentine’s Day is a special time, but also a confusing time. What should I get my partner? Will a hug and a high-five suffice? Maybe I should go all out and finally cover up that exposed wire in the lounge room? The many options can be nauseating, so we thought we’d help you out, with the top four ways to make a big impression.
Everybody buys their partner a box of chocolate on Valentine’s Day. Sure it’s delicious, but it’s unoriginal. If you really want to stand out, buy your loved one a Snickers bar. It’s affordable, and has nuts in it, which is great for your energy. Nobody likes feeble foreplay. You can even say something witty and edgy like, “You’re not you when you’re horny.” Don’t be afraid to show your cheeky side.
A red rose is a symbol of love in Western culture. Unfortunately, all roses die. So if you want to truly show your eternal affection, get your loved one a plastic flower of some variety. A big sunflower is a sure-fire winner. And feel free to say something fun like, “You’re the sunflower to my bee. Let’s pollinate, baby.” Like I said, don’t be afraid to show your cheeky side.
3. Foot massage
We all know that feet are the window to the soul. So if your partner has dirty feet, it might be time to cut your losses and part ways. If their feet are looking fresh, feel free to Shiatsu your way into their heart. If your hands get tired, just commit to a very firm game of footsies. After all, the feet are the hands of the legs. As well as the window to the soul. They’re lots of things.
4. Special Words
Saying “I love you” might sound like a good idea, but “love” is such an over-used word. We say it for everything. For example, “I love the weekend” or “I love it when you stroke my face like that.” If you want to be original, use an under-used word like “thirst,” as in, “I thirst for you.” Or “You quench my thirsty heart.” Your partner will thirst you for it.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!
David Koutsouridis is a writer for The Project, tweets @DFKoutsouridis, and is open to being approached today by clean-footed women bearing plastic sunflowers and Snickers bars.