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The inevitable triumph of the Socceroos

Feeling despondent about Australia’s draw? Fear not, opines Danny McGinlay at the Side Project blog.

Just imagine a giant statue of Christ in the background and you’re seeing the future
Photo © 2013 AAP One / Paul Miller

With the World Cup merely days away, a lot of Australian sports fans are getting very excited, then very deflated. The exhilaration of seeing the Socceroos compete in the planet’s biggest sporting event subsides with realization that we’re likely going to get spanked off the park by Chile, the Netherlands and Spain.

However it’s not all doom and gloom people! Some of us are not only optimistic about Australia’s chances, we’re down right certain that we shall win all of our games and inevitably lift the trophy! Let me break it down for you – match by match!

Firstly – Chile v Australia: 8am 14th June 2014

Reasons Australia will beat Chile

Chile have never won a major trophy. Australia won the Oceania Cup 4 times. Sure we’re playing against teams like Vanuatu, Fiji and Narnia, but it’s still a trophy!

The most famous Chilean in the world today is Dora the Explorer. She’s popular with the kids and has bafflingly lax parents, but has she ever gone to the moon? No! Mr Squiggle, on the other hand, would travel to our planet from the moon every day just to do drawings! And he had to deal with a rude blackboard!

Chile’s national sport is Chilean Rodeo which is more like bullfighting than rodeo. Two guys on horses chase a cow around and have to pin him against a cushioned rail, which makes it more like an inter-species pillowfight than a sport.

Chile’s most celebrated author is Roberto Bolano who won the National Books Critics Circle award. So what? He only wrote 10 books! Steve Waugh has written 13! Let’s see Bolano retain the Ashes and do TV ads for Australian Health Management! Hey Bolano? Where are you now mate?

Even on the scrabble board we’re better ¬– Australia is worth 12 points! Chile is only worth 11! Pathetic.

PREDICTION: AUSTRALIA 5-0 CHILE

Then on Thursday 19th June at 2am, we take on the Dutch.

Why Australia will beat the Netherlands

Both the Dutch captain and coach’s surnames begin with Van. Louis Van Gaal and Robin Van Persie. Anyone who has seen a Disney movie will know that these are the names of the bad guys!

For every moment the Dutch players are at the World Cup they are not back home smoking dope and shagging everyone. They don’t even want to be there!

Dutch players can’t do any sneaky tactics as they wear bright orange and high visibility makes them easy to defend.

Dutch people can speak three languages! Dutch, English and German. Clearly there’s no room left in their brains for footballing tactics.

The Netherlands most famous author Anne Frank only wrote one diary. Steve Waugh wrote about 13!! Take that!

Vincent Van Gogh only lived to 37. Ken Done is 73. Palindromic BURN!!
The average Dutch person drinks 74 litres of beer a year. Ha! That’s a weekend for us!

PREDICTION AUSTRALIA 7-0 NETHERLANDS

Then, even though it’s probable that by this stage all the other countries will have conceded defeat and awarded Australia the championship... there’s a chance that on Tuesday 24th June at 2am we will take on reigning champions Spain.

How it is bleedingly obvious that Australia will beat Spain

Spanish King Juan Carlos is abdicating the throne after his approval rating fell to 41%. Tony Abbott’s approval rating is less than 30%. No backbone!

Spain’s national anthem has no words, Advance Australia Fair has 54! (108 if you count that baffling second verse.)

Unlike the majority of South America, in Brazil they speak Portuguese, not Spanish. This will confuse the Spanish players so much that their heads may very well explode mid-match. Bring a poncho. No wait don’t, it sounds Spanish.

The Spanish coat of arms has four panels on its shield. Australia’s has six. I mean seriously, why bother even showing up Spain?

The most famous Spanish novel is Don Quixote. Which was published in two volumes, the first released in 1605 and the second in 1615, which, when compared to Steve Waugh’s thirteen, is really quite dismal.

PREDICTION: AUSTRALIA 5-0 SPAIN

For more of Danny’s baseless optimism, visit  http://dannysfootballbluff.wordpress.com/ or follow his twitterising at @dannymcginlay.

The opinions expressed in The Side Project blog do not necessarily reflect those of The Project or the Ten Network.