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Phwoarrr! Look At This Big Baby!

We here at The Project would like to welcome Big Baby as our overlord.

This is big news, and we mean that literally. Over in the UK a woman has given birth to a human that is a whopping 14lb 15oz! For those people outside of America who have no idea how much that is, we’re talking 6.8kg. And for those people worried about the mother’s welfare, don’t worry, it was a C-section.

Cherral Mitchell, 31, was pretty shocked when she found out how big her baby was (along with everyone else in the world). “We didn’t think he was going to be that big,” she told The Metro. “Everyone kept laughing when his head came out. My husband Tyson was like ‘oh my God he’s chunky.’” Which is certainly one way of describing the third largest baby ever born in the UK. Though Tyson might want to get a paternity test because there’s a good chance that baby’s father is The Michelin Man.

“There were two nurses pulling – one was trying to push him down to get him out,” Cherral said. “The nurses said it had to be the biggest baby and were on their phones Googling.”

The medical staff believe that the baby is so big because he was feeding on his mother’s sugary fluids whilst in the womb. “They think that because I was diagnosed quite late with gestational diabetes, [he] was in amniotic fluid that was sweeter. So he was drinking a lot and peeing a lot and getting a high intake of sugar.”

In other words, usually babies develop in a womb full of Coke Zero, but due to the irregularly high sugar levels in Cherral’s body, this baby has basically lived off good ol’ regular Coke for the last nine months. It means that this baby has a lot in common with many of us stuck in lockdown this year – we’ve probably consumed a bit too much sugar and are going into summer a little chunkier than usual.

So what do you name a baby that big? A name like ‘Jayden’ just seems too pedestrian for the human that will one day become the Emperor of the World. So, naturally, the parents have named him Alpha because he is going to dominate the other kids at crèche. Though, Cherral has already nicknamed him ‘Butter Bean’ while his uncle has gone with the more conventional nickname of ‘Baby Hippo’.

Of course, we here at The Project respect and fear Alpha, so we will refer to him with reverence and respect as Big Baby in the hope that he will spare us from his wrath when he inevitably conquers the world.