It’s been a pretty big year for scientists. They’ve developed vaccines to combat a global pandemic, appeared at press conferences to cancel weddings and, now, perhaps they have made their greatest contribution yet to the survival of the human species: they’re investigating whether penguins evolved from aliens to protect us from their wrath.
Scientists came up with the theory that penguins might indeed be aliens after researchers discovered traces of phosphine in penguins’ poo. Interestingly, phosphine is a chemical that is only found on Venus, which is about 60 million kilometres from our planet. Now, exactly WHY scientists were rummaging through penguin poo is, in itself, a mystery that we will be investigating ourselves over the coming weeks and months. Right now, we can only presume that scientists are just a bunch of weirdos.
The discovery has triggered scientists to delve deeper into researching penguins in order to determine the origins of this phosphine. Dr Dave Clements, of Imperial College, told the Daily Star: “We’re convinced the phosphine finding is real. But we don’t know what’s making it.”
If penguins are indeed aliens, that kind of does make sense. They don’t look at all comfortable on this planet, what with all of their clumsy waddling and constantly falling over. Plus, if you were a species that was permanently confined to wearing a tuxedo, it would make sense to migrate to a cooler planet like Earth, rather than try to live on Venus where the surface temperature is roughly 500 degrees Celsius. This is probably why penguins are strongly opposed to global warming; the hotter this planet gets, the more they’re going to be sweating in their cute little suits.
Of course, if penguins are aliens, it does make them seem more terrifying than cute. We’ve all seen those documentaries Alien, Aliens, Alien III, Predator, Predator vs Alien and so on. The common theme in all of those non-fiction accounts is that aliens tend to have a consistent anti-human stance and are always trying to eat us.
So if that’s what the penguins are planning to do, we better keep our eye on them. They might look cute, but it’s important to remember that they are probably planning to eat us all and they must be destroyed. So, either we send them back to Venus or we continue heating up this planet until they’re forced to leave.