Right now, America is celebrating its annual Fourth of July holiday, which my research tells me is held every year on the 4th of July. A lot of people believe that the purpose of the holiday is to celebrate the time that Will Smith defeated the aliens by uploading a virus into the mothership in outer space. Other people believe the holiday celebrates the nation’s Declaration of Independence from the British Empire in 1776.
However, both of these are common misconceptions. In reality, the purpose of the holiday is to give Americans an excuse to hold a hot dog eating competition in order to demonstrate to the rest of the world that they have too much food.
And that’s exactly what they did on Sunday. In an incredible display of brute strength, power and gastric tissue elasticity, competitors from around descended on Coney Island for the ultimate sporting event. Meanwhile, Americans gathered around their television sets and tuned into ESPN (you know, the channel that covers sports) to see what would happen if you turned an all-you-can-eat buffet into a competition.
This year’s winner was once again Joey Chestnut (yes, that is his real name) who consumed 76 hot dogs in just 10 minutes, breaking his own record from last year of 75 hot dogs. It truly was an incredible effort. He won a big belt, a big trophy and a big chance of developing Type II Diabetes.
Always the consummate professional, Joey never doubted himself. “I had a pretty good idea I could do it,” he told reporters after Sunday’s monstrous victory. “I just had to stay calm and not panic when things got a little bit rough, and made my body work for me.” Which is exactly the same mantra this writer takes into love-making.
With that attitude Joey absolutely dominated the event. The guy who came second, Geoffrey Esper, only (only) managed to consume 50 hot dogs. Which is still quite a lot of hot dogs. To put that into context, that’s 50 more hot dogs than doctors recommend you eat to maintain a healthy diet.
Of course, no event like this could avoid controversy. Hot dog eating fans were absolutely gutted (pun intended) with ESPN for its shoddy coverage of the event, with the feed (once again, pun intended) cutting in and out over the course of the event with the coverage going completely blank just as Joey consumed his 76th record-beating hot dog with only moments left.
For what must be the first time in history, people even took to the Internet to express their anger: “After all we’ve been through, we deserve to watch Joey Chestnut without interruption,” tweeted @notmalkinego. Exactly, it has been a rough year for America. They’ve had to battle COVID, racial injustice, a government insurrection and now they missed out on seeing a man shove a bun and frankfurt down his throat using both hands.
So, congratulations America. After a rough year, you deserve to celebrate and get back to normal by doing what you do best: expressing outrage on Twitter and unfettered gluttony.