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Forget The US Election, The Winner Of Fat Bear Week Has Been Unmasked

A King accepts his crown, and we couldn't be happier.

BREAKING: over the wire we have received news that the whole world has been waiting for with bated breath.  In the Katmai National Park in Alaska, the once-yearly event "Fat Bear Week" has drawn to a close and the winner has been announced. It's a big, rolly-polly pudge-ball known as "Bear 747". And this numerical designation is very apt because this chap is as big as a jumbo jet!

Bear 747 in all his chonky glory. Image: CNN

Now for those not following at home, (and if that's you, what rock have you been living under?) the competition for FBW is pretty simple: people vote online for the fattest bear in the national park. And before you ask, yes, this is THE most important election in the US right now.

These losers don't even have any fur! Image: NBC NEWS

For FBW newbies,  it might seem bizarre that a fat bear could be crowned based on audience vote. I mean, fatness is entirely quantifiable, right? The fattest bear is surely an objective metric rather than something in which people should weigh-in (sorry) with their opinions?

WRONG AGAIN.

The fine people at FBW have already thought through these problems. First of all a taller skinny bear might weigh more than a chunky tubby boy, so right off the bat your "objective science" is out the door. But secondly, even if you did base the results on weight, are you gonna be the one to drag an angry bear, who clearly loves to eat, onto the scales? Didn't think so.

So the votes are in and the winner has been crowned and right now we're still giddy from the festivities. But just like New Year's Day, tomorrow we as a global community will find ourselves groggy and melancholy about another year gone by, as we go back to our mundane lives and wait.

We will spend the year watching the clock, marking days on the calendar, waiting patiently for another 12 months for the next Fat Bear Week. Waiting once more, for that magical time when we can once again gaze upon these salmon-engorged, furry plumpers from the icy northern wilds and cast our votes for the fattest bear of 2021.

Until then, it's time to hibernate.