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Competitive Beard Growers Flock To The Beard Olympics

Just before Movember, we’ve got Octobeard.

Some people believe that the biggest international event to take place this year were the Olympic Games in Tokyo. Of course, those people are wrong. Sure, those games were a testament to humanity’s capacity to come together and triumph over adversity in a world being ravaged by the delta variant. But, none of those athletes had a cool beard.

And that’s why the Beard Olympics currently taking place in Germany will be the defining event of 2021. Taking place in Eging am See, in Lower Bavaria, competitors from around the world have flocked to this year’s event, making it a super spreader event to rival the amount of transmission that took place in the athletes’ village on the closing night of the Tokyo Olympics.

This year, 100 men from Italy, the Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, Israel and, obviously, Germany will compete in the event to see who looks most like a flamboyant pirate. Well, that’s not completely true. There are three categories in which the contestants compete.

There is the Muscateer division, where contestants presumably joust with each other using their beards as swords. Then there is the Dali division, named after Salvador Dali, who is famous for his eccentric facial hair and infamous for lots of other awful things that we won’t go into right now. Finally, there’s the Natural division, which is basically just for men who are too lazy to shave and who have no sculpturing skills.

Personally, we’d like to see some other divisions added such as the Santa Claus Division for men with long, white beards or perhaps even the Lockdown Division for men who have given up on grooming their facial hair after months of lockdown and now look like they have devolved to the Neanderthal state.

A jury of beard experts will judge the beards according to their length and density. Even though there is a lot of good will between the contestants, Christian Feicht, president of the host organisation the East Bavarian Beard and Moustache Club, said to DPA International that there is a “certain ambition and seriousness” for many of the competitors who have travelled around the world to be there.

So good luck to all of the contestants! Remember, even if you lose, you can always shave off the beard just in time for Movember next week.