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Amazon Will Now Let You Pay With The Palm Of Your Hand

First the photocopier came for our butts, now the Amazon One is coming for our hands.

Cashless society is herding up our biometric data and destroying the proud wallet industry, with the latest advancement coming from Amazon who have announced a new way to pay in-store, and it certainly adds new meaning to the term ‘click and collect’.

Can’t be bothered to go through the rigmarole of getting your wallet out? No problem – simply hover your hand over a brand new Amazon One scanner and bingo bango – your groceries have been paid for.

Here’s how it works, when you register your hand over the scanner, you insert a credit card and enter your phone number. Hey presto – your hand is now a payment machine.

We can’t possibly see how this will go wrong. Actually, we can.

You know how you wave at people? Or like, touch surfaces all the time? Or like, have your hand exposed in every season except winter? Or like, you get arrested and have to hold your hands up? Or like, you raise your hand because you have a question? Or like, you’re at a concert and the person on stage demands you get your mother f***ing hands up?

Yeah. That.

And, your honour, you tell me - is it a simple coincidence that the word ‘scanner’ is almost the same as the word ‘scammer’? Yes? Well, either way I rest my case.

Why can’t everyone just be smart and gaffer tape their credit card to the palm of their hand every time they go to the supermarket? Or write a letter to Amazon imploring them to switch this to a foot scanner or midriff scanner – at least things that are covered up and don’t have five fingerprints attached.

You’ve got to ask, how convenient do we need to make the world? Is our biometric information for credit card payments? No! It was made to stress-eat yogurt at 2AM in the morning! YOUR HONOR, I ONCE AGAIN REST. MY. CASE.

The scanners will be trialed at two of Amazon’s stores in Seattle. And frankly, the whole idea has us sleepless.