War of the Roses - Epic Premiere
From the grounds of a candlelit fairy tale mansion came the premiere of the third shellac-nail-biting series of The Bachelor Australia.
Champagne is still the drink of choice, hair is still high and dresses still sequined, but there’s one big difference about The Bachelor this year…and that’s the man himself. Sure, Sam’s a big spunk from Tassie (aka the country), has a dad who cooks chops (aka legend), is a brilliant role model for his younger brother and sister (what a guy!) and works with children for a living (ovary explosion).
With a man this good, the Bachelorettes this year were going to have to step up their game and as hoped, we got the good, the bad and we got Sandra. Just wait.
First down the fairy tale path and into Sam’s world is the dark-haired beauty, Snezana, who has the extreme good sense to rhyme her name with a favourite pub meal. This is a much better game plan than Laura’s, the English vet who decides now is the right time, right place to recount a work anecdote that is completely on the nose.
Moving right along, filmmaker Heather dazzles Sam with her black disco gown, before calling Sam “dude.” This immediate friend-zoning may have been fatal for most Bachelorettes, but the awkwardly endearing banter between the pair leaves all of us thinking, nawww, dude.
After a quick pep talk in the limo, children’s entertainer Jacinda makes it through her first meeting with Sam without her self-confessed fear of vomiting in her mouth, and walks away with a Polaroid moment that will make her a firm audience favourite.
With a quick montage of hot girls bringing Sam gifts, it’s starting to look like the Bach is going to have things a little too easy this year. Cue: PE Teacher Sandra. A ball of energy dressed in black, Sandra barely draws breath in her chat with Sam closing it off with the realisation their initials, SS, were a good sign. Ahem.
When Sam arrives at the mansion, crowd-favourite Jacinda is the first to grab his attention and their solo conversation quickly creates hysteria among the other Bachelorettes as they watch someone ACTUALLY TALKING TO SAM.
While Sam takes other ladies for private conversations and stalking is being carried out through windows and over hedges, Sandra: Phase-Two starts to open up on the balcony. When calm Reshael refuses to gossip with our favourite teacher, Sandra spirals into a verbal war-of-words…but there’s only one person participating in the war…and that person doesn’t seem to realise there’s no one else talking.
The rest of the party unfolds just like any other Saturday night soiree: yoga on the grass, a group confrontation, an anal glands montage and just as we were relaxing back into the Bachelor rhythm of things, Tessa has AN UNAUTHORISED COSTUME CHANGE.
In a break from regular Bach programming, Tessa swapped her suffocating cocktail outfit for something a little more comfortable. GASP. This breaks all Bachelorette codes of conduct. Armed with her new anti-Bach attire, Tessa leads a charge of girls cutting other girl’s grass all over the lawn.
As the witching hour approaches and the glow of the rose ceremony room beckons, perhaps Heather says it best when reflecting on the night: “I feel like I’ve witnessed so much tonight…I feel like there’s been a stabbing.”
This perceptiveness may be what garners our kooky filmmaker the coveted white rose from Sam. Pulling Heather away, Sam hands over the power of choosing a date to the lady who made the best first impression: “…I thought you were incredibly beautiful and I love the dress, but I don’t really care about that, what I really care about is how fun you are…” Awww.
But just as we were all feeling warm and fuzzy, it’s off to the Rose Ceremony where two of our Bachelorettes were told no rose for you.
Sam, who has never even seen a rose ceremony before, handles the intense moment beautifully, and with sweat running down our brows the Bach makes the night’s most controversial call…