1. When asked if you’re a city or a country boy, followed by a thousand-yard glare, ‘whatever you want me to be’ is the safest response. Under no circumstances say you hail from ‘Bubbleworld.’
2. Come bearing gifts, but ensure they’re tailored to the recipient. You could give Italian beer to an Australian farmer, for instance, or you could go domestic. Sam chose… poorly.
3. Be liked by horses – they’re an excellent judge of character.
4. Compliment your would-be in-laws’ wardrobes, particularly if your parents share their taste in department stores.
5. Pick your spirit animal carefully. Think placid, fluffy, and family-orientated. Predatory creatures are to be avoided.
6. Always have a verse or two of country wisdom ready to spout during faux-philosophical conversations. If you can scatter some rose petals amongst the loftier lingo, even better. For example: ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, a comfort zone is just a prison of our own making.’
7. Do not insult your host with misguidedly considerate acts. Some would rather walk into barbed wire than have it lifted for them.
8. Clean your plate. Even if the sheer sight of all the food before you is enough to slip you into a carb coma.