How to: stop a plane from crashing
You will need: a fast car, a laptop, a sidekick, and the plane really must have a long Ethernet cable or this just isn’t going to work.
Method: Forget chips, when the wifi is down and the plane-saving software is actually on the plane, there’s only one option: drive along the runway, fast, one hand on your steering wheel and one on your laptop, until you’re right under the imperilled plane and make sure you throw the roof off – it will make it easier for your sidekick to catch the Ethernet cable as they throw it out to you.
How to: contain a bomb blast
You will need: joint compound, salt, a janitor with high cholesterol.
Method: locate janitor’s supply of joint compound and his enormous collection of those tiny little salt packets he keeps for when his fries seem as though they just don’t have enough. Mix the joint compound with the salt and submerge the bomb in it. It will still blow, but hopefully only the garage.
How to: make a new fan belt for a getaway jeep when you’re being chased by Bosnian rebels
You will need: pantyhose. But in lieu of that, toilet paper.
Method: You might not have packed your pantyhose for a dangerous jaunt through the Bosnian wilderness, but chances are you did take toilet paper. Braid it into a hexagonal pattern; it will strengthen the paper, while making sure it’s still pliable enough to withstand friction.
If you don’t know where the fan belt goes, none of this information will be useful to you, in Bosnia, or anywhere else for that matter.
How to: stop a train that is about to unwittingly set off nukes
You will need: a crane with a massive magnet at the end of it, this should be located on the construction site next to the railway line, on your side of the electric fence.
Method: It’s very similar to the classic damsel in distress scenario, only the thing on the tracks in need of saving is a suitcase containing the detonator for all the US’s hidden nukes. As there is an electric fence in your way, stopping the train is the only way to succeed here. Dropping the magnet onto the tracks will cause the electricity to surge in the opposite direction, which will make the train break. Or something.
Don’t try this when running late for work.
Maybe don’t try this ever.
How to: Drain fuel from a car that has crashed and caught fire, but is perched precariously on a cliff face
You will need: an ambulance, fire truck, jacket, duct tape, fire hose and syringe needles. Luckily you’ll find most of these things in the ambulance and the fire truck.
Method: Cover the end of the fire truck’s hose with a piece of torn jacket and secure it with duct tape. Join the needles together to form a dart and secure them in the centre of the hose. Aim the dart at the car’s fuel tank, turn the hose on and shoot with the precision of a sniper. No fuel, no fire, right?
You’re probably also going to need that crane with the magnet again.